Ennui

It is done, I have signed up for the first two courses of a horticulture and landscape design program and am on my way. Many at this point may find within themselves feelings of excitement, fear, pain from the tuition. I suppose I harbor similar emotions during this time, however, I feel my reasons are different. Some may find themselves nervous or fearful of failure. This seems to be one of the greatest reasons for education or training based anxiety, "what if I fail, what if I find that I just can't do it?" If only I was simply afraid of failure. At least failure denotes some level of attempt, some form of interest and a large portion of character if one fails well. My fear is pure, simple, unabashed, utter lack of interest.

I remember back to years of playing with Legos and match box cars, in the midst of the time of my life, suddenly stopping, looking around and sometimes even audibly saying to myself, "I don't want to do this anymore." This would be immediately followed by a smaller version of myself getting to his feet and promptly walking away. Where was he walking away to, what was on his mind, what was so important that the mere notion of it stopped an amazing Lego experience dead in its tracks? Nothing from what I can recall. Times of halting one activity was not often for another, but simply for the fact that I no longer wanted the present activity.

To this day I fear this potential within my psyche, this super-human ability to decide in a moment I no longer care. I do not fear failure, I fear lack of interest. I suppose I don't have a lot to complain about so far. I finished a four year undergraduate program and got a BA out of it (though I'm not working in what I studied...big surprise). I'm a hard worker and do well at whatever it is that I do do. Therein lies the issue, though. What do I do, what do I do with myself?

To this day, as I would walk away from a video game in the past, I feel prone to wonder away out of boredom from what it is I have been working on with no alternative in mind. It is not distraction, it's disinterest. Some have so much going on they've hardly the time to finish anything or do any one thing well. I have nothing going on only to lead to more nothing.

I took a few graduate courses a few years ago as part of a larger secondary education program. I thought it would be a good idea to be a high school English Literature teacher. That really didn't work out. My grammar is horrible, I realized the school systems are a mess and decided that literature was more of a hobby.

I have come to one conclusion, however, in my seemingly never ending, half-hazard, partially interested wanderings. It was in the graduate courses as I realized how bad the school systems were that I thought back to my undergraduate time when I was then interested in social work (which is equally a mess). I realize now that whatever it is that I, or anyone for that matter, ends up doing as a professional career, that task/career will ultimately burn the doer out. Burn out cannot be avoided; politics will eventually ruin any endeavor and the career that was once fantasized will become a source of anxiety, stress and pain. The only question is, then, what will I give myself to that will ultimately destroy me?

Perhaps my seeming lack of interest in anything is actually some strange defense mechanism. As long as I keep in the search mode, as long as whatever I'm doing is not "the thing" for me, as long as I'm not living some career apex, it will not matter when politics destroy it, it will not matter when I find myself more irritated than anything else over it. The thought of moving on is not hard considering it would not be a flight from a dream job, it would not be giving up on a dream or even worse, the destruction of a fantasy. In this, though I say I have no hobbies, in reality, everything becomes a hobby, even work itself, just something I do to pass the time and if one day I wake up and feel like never doing that again I have nothing stopping me, no commitments or expended educational efforts backing making me think twice.

Or perhaps I'm wrong. I have become a very critical person. Had I a more demanding career, some higher level something that I was working toward, training for, educating in, would I have the extra energy to be so critical? Are my criticisms and inability to be amused really just jealousy over others' successes manifesting itself? I lay awake at times and shutter at this thought, but what if it's true? If this is all just jealousy then it's about time I get out and develop something, lest I become everything I hate; some jealous old jerk who doesn't care about anything because he never gave himself to anything.

It's difficult, though. What happens when entire weeks go by and the feeling of ennui continues. Does this happen to all who are trying to succeed and finish? Is the line between myself and an established path really as simple as just working through the hard moments (though they may last weeks)? As it turns out, I seem to be a slow shopper in a far broader way than I had originally assumed. Perhaps I need an accountability partner for all this.